Tag Archives: confidence

Why I have not been writing.

As you might have noticed I have not been blogging much over the last few months. I did write a post about this a while ago talking about why I had not been writing, how low my mood was and saying I was going to try my best to get back in to writing and blogging, but as you can see things have not quite gone to plan. There is no point going over those issues again too much, but I thought it worth addressing as I am trying once more to start blogging.

As you will know if you have been keeping up to date with my blog I have been finding it hard to write, or in fact hard to do much of anything for quite a while now. This has been due to a mix of overload, depression and family issues. Back in August when I first wrote about these issues I did mean to start blogging again, once a week if I was able, but it did not work out that way. I have been finding it hard to get rid of my overload, and have been overloaded almost constantly, to the point of not being able to do anything. I will write about this as an issue on its own as it’s still on-going, and there is quite a lot to be said about it. But I am sure you can understand that if I am so overloaded I cannot even think straight, or sit down to relax, that writing,editing and posting a blog has been beyond me for quite sometime.

It is something of a vicious circle as not being able to write has only added to my low mood. For years I was sure that I wanted to be a writer, that writing was something I enjoyed and would always want to do. But when my mood dipped, and I was so overloaded I could not even think about trying to write without feeling worn-out, and fuzzy-headed, some of that belief started to leave me. It’s hard to make a living out of writing. I don’t do that now and I never have done, but my hope has always been to one day be able to make enough money from my writing to live off. Even though that’s hard when you are getting up early every morning and writing two thousand words a day, posting blogs every week, editing one novel while writing another, and having articles published in newspapers and magazines, it is easier to imagine. When you get to the point where you are hardly writing, you are not posting your work, and you are not even thinking of good ideas – or if you do think of an idea you do nothing with it – then it becomes harder and harder to think that you will ever make a living off it.

When I decided not to go back to university it was so that I would have more time to write. At the time it was a good idea; after all, I wanted to be a writer so what was the point in using the time I could be writing to do something else? But then when I became unable to write confusion set in; if I was not using this time to write had I made the right call? I had made a choice, uni or work, and I had chosen work only to find I was not doing either! Now on a logical level I can say to myself that knowing the way I have been feeling the past year or so that university would not have worked for me. As I say I have been too overloaded and depressed to even pick up a book or watch a film a lot of days, let alone go to university. So whatever I had chosen I would not have ended up doing due to my mood.

But even so doubt starts to set in. The more I think about it every job I would want to do involves writing, and I have been writing in some form or another since I was six years old. I have a book published, have co-written two other published books, and have written over one hundred articles so most of my life – certainly any part of it involving work – has been centred around writing, and being a writer. So when I suddenly stop being able to write what am I meant to put in its place? What am I meant to work on? To aim for? It puts me in a place of uncertainty, and casts doubt on plans I have been working on for years. And we all know that change and uncertainty are not good for autistic people. That’s not the only impact – writing is like everything else; if you want to be good at it you have to work at it and do so often. You can not just write once every few months, and expect what you write to be good. Even looking at my writing here I can tell it’s not my best. That being said I do not judge myself too much on my writing in blogs. I feel they are less formal and I tend to worry less about the style of my writing. But the point still stands – if you want to be good at something, at anything, you have to do it as much as you can. Taking breaks for months at a time is never going to have a good impact on your writing skills.

So I can’t write because of my low mood and the less I write the worse I feel.

I have been working on lifting my mood and cutting down on my overload quite a bit over the past few weeks, and I will write more about how I have been doing that, and how it has been helping. You can see of course that what I have been trying has been working somewhat as I am writing this now. Although it is only one blog that in some ways is just going over issues I have already blogged about, or setting up blogs I plan on writing, but have not written yet, I am still glad that I was able to sit here and type it out. It might not be a lot when compared to what I used to do, but compared to what I have been doing most days for, well for most of this year, which is absolutely nothing, it is a lot. But how ever much it is I am just happy I have been able to write something, and I plan on keeping it going. My aim now is to write something, even if it’s only a few lines every day, from now until the end of the year, and then take stock in the New Year and see where I go from there. Things are still hard in lots of ways, but I feel more upbeat about them now than I have done for the last few months.

You can find my new book here: http://www.jkp.com/uk/communicating-better-with-people-on-the-autism-spectrum-34251.html

If you need any help or advice abut Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762

Advertisements

How Dyslexia impacts on my writing and my confidence.

Most of what I write on this blog tends to be about autism, but I wanted to take the time to talk a bit about my dyslexia, and how it impacts on my work. I have written about having dyslexia in the past, but to tell the truth it’s not something I think about all that often. I get so caught up with my autism, and how that impacts on my day to day life that I tend to forget that I am dyslexic and dyspraxic too. However, at times I cannot help but think about it. When I work I am keenly aware of my dyslexia, and how much it slows me down and frustrates me.

My work is my writing; I write blogs, and articles about autism and disability in general, and, as yet unpublished, short stories and novels. I have co-written and published two autism books as well as writing my own autism-related book, and had that published last year. Like everyone who writes I go through times in my life where it is hard to write, and where I don’t get much work done at all. But most days I write something, and that has been the case for over ten years now, and yet I can’t spell or hand-write. If I were to be tested I don’t know what level my spelling would be at, but I know it would be poor. There are very few words I can actually spell right first time, and when it comes to spelling out loud that number goes down even more. When I type most of the words I get right I do so without thinking; my fingers just hit the keys. If I had to tell you out loud how to spell half the words I do manage to get right, I would not have a clue.

It will be hard for a reader to fully understand quite how bad my spelling is; by the time you read this blog it will have been spell-checked and edited by my Mum, so most if not all of the spelling or grammar mistakes will be gone. I could publish a blog without any spell-check or editing for you to get a full idea of what I mean, but I don’t think you would be able to read it. A lot of the time the inbuilt spell-checker does not even know what I am trying to type. It changes the word to what it thinks it is meant to be; sometimes to a word that is so close to being right that I don’t even notice it`s wrong until someone points it out – other times to seemingly random words. When this happens I have to resort to googling a word (as Google seems to have more luck working out what I am trying to say) and pasting it in to whatever it is I am writing.

My spelling has always been poor, and I am sure anyone who is dyslexic knows that feeling of frustration when you try over and over again to spell a word without getting any closer. But there is an added level of frustration when it impacts on what I do for fun, and my work. I write at a much slower pace than I would if I did not have to worry about my spelling, but its more than that – it’s the lack of confidence in my own work. A lot of the time I do not even feel like I can put a tweet out there without having someone else check it first to make sure I haven`t spelt everything wrong. I can’t ever see myself feeling confident enough to write a blog and publish it without having my Mum, or someone else check it over first. When writing is what you do it can be unbelievably frustrating to know that you are reliant on someone else to make even the most basic of your work understandable. I am a published author, and yet I do not even feel confident to send out a tweet on my own. As for making notes or hand-writing anything, there is next to no point in me even trying to do this anymore. I cannot even read my own handwriting! I have to type and I can type quite fast, so things now are a lot better than they were a few years ago, but there is still this underlying feeling of frustration at my poor spelling.

I don’t want this blog to be full of self-pity, but I felt that I needed to point out how much extra work myself, and fellow dyslexic writers have to put in to get our work ready to be read. There is a part of me which thinks that even with some of the difficulties that come with my autism, it’s my dyslexia that gets me down the most. That’s what makes it hard for me to do what I love, and that’s a huge part of what makes me so reliant on other people when it comes to my work. And even though I have gotten so used to it I might not think of it much, it’s the effects of my dyslexia that keep impacting on me day to day.

I don’t have any practical advice to leave you with in this blog as it was intended more as a way for me to vent some frustration, and explain how hard writing these blogs can be. But I might try and put together a list of tips and things that have helped me over the years, as well as things I might try in the future, and post that at some point.

You can find my new book: http://www.jkp.com/uk/communicating-better-with-people-on-the-autism-spectrum-34253.html

If you need any more help or advice about Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762