Tag Archives: day

Why my anxiety levels rise when people come to do work in the house.

Over the past few weeks we have had to have quite a few jobs done around the house. As these are jobs we cant do ourselves this has meant having to have tradespeople around such as joiners,and electricians. You might think that having people in the house and the noise they make when working would be the worst part of this, and for some autistic people it might well be, but for myself – and I am sure for some other autistic people – the worst part by far is waiting for them to come. I don’t just mean waiting for a few hours for them to arrive on the day either. Let me explain what I mean.

In my mind when I make a plan it’s a set thing; if I have to be somewhere I want to know the day and the time I need to be there, and the chances are I will be early. If I can’t make it I will get in touch and give as much notice as I can. You might put that down to my autism and you may well be right, but I also think it’s just basic courtesy. If you are going around to someone’s house you should at least tell them when you plan to arrive! Yet this basic information is almost impossible to prise from most people who do come around; want someone to come around and do a basic job in the house? They will be with you some time early next week. Well what day is that? Monday, Tuesday at the latest? Unless they get busy with something else then it might be Wednesday. OK, and would that be morning or afternoon? Morning, unless they run late then, afternoon.

Ah, OK, cool, just let me put three days aside for a half hour job then. Due to my autism it is almost impossible for me to focus on doing anything if I know I have someone coming to the house. As strange as it might sound to non-autistic people on a day when I have workmen around even though I am doing nothing, and they are doing all the work just having them come around and do the job takes up all my energy for that day. The waiting in, the knowing I will have to have some level of social contact, the not knowing how long the work will go on for, the noise, the disruption of having people in my house and what that does to my routine. Having to set one day aside to deal with this is bad enough, but it must be done in order to get things done around the house. But if this goes on for three or four days as it will if people are not clear on when they are coming, then you can end up wasting half the week being sat round feeling anxious not knowing if someone is coming around or not!

I am not quite sure why people find it so hard to look at a diary and see what day they are free before making plans instead of putting aside big blocks of time where they may or may not come around if they feel like it. It means instead of the anxiety building up over one day, and then being able to get back in to the swing of my routine the next day, you end up having two or three days of build up and if you’re lucky then having someone come to do a job. Which brings me on to the next issue…..

If you commit to being somewhere at a set date and time and you can’t make it you have to get in touch and explain that right? I think we can all – autistic or not – agree on that. But if you just say you might be somewhere that seems to be some kind of get-out clause. If you said you might come around at six and you realise you can’t you don’t have to ring up and tell the people whose anxiety has been building up all day because you only said you might be there. Never mind the fact that they may well have changed plans for you, changed their routine, waited in and are going to be on edge for the evening in case you turn up. It takes a few seconds to send a text saying “Can’t make it, call tomorrow to rearrange.” And yet the amount of times someone has just not turned up without any form of contact is, for me at least, shocking. Again this is not just about the impact on my autism, though that can be huge. Waiting in all day unable to do anything only for the person not to turn up without any contact to let us know of this change of plans does add to my levels of stress and anxiety, but it also means the day ends with me knowing I have to do it all again. Not only do I have to do it all again, but when I do there will be even more anxiety because now who ever it is has a track-record of not turning up. So I will half expect them not to turn up again which just adds a whole new level to things. But as I say it’s not just that. Again it goes back to common place courtesy: make a plan, make it clear and then stick to it. If you can’t then have the decency to let who ever you made the plan with know.

And when I say make a plan I don’t mean text the night before and ask if you can come around and do a job. The answer will always be no. I need notice, not a few hours notice, but a few days notice at least. This should not be too hard to understand or to give. I do understand that for most non-autistic people this would not be as big a deal as it is for me, but still people have work or university; they do things with their lives’s so you would think that a few days notice would be important for most people. Again it comes back to the fact that making a real plan, showing that you will take the time to plan things out, and then stick to them is always better than doing things on the spur of the moment.

It is hard to get someone who is not autistic to fully understand how disruptive and stressful having someone come to the house to do jobs can be. The levels of anxiety and the change in routine make it very hard, but I honestly believe that if it were more clear and well arranged the stress would not be half what it is. If I knew someone was coming at seven on a Wednesday evening then yes it would still be hard to focus that day, yes I might still feel overloaded once they had gone, but at least it would then be over. A plan would have been made, I would have be able to make plans for that day knowing that work was going to be happening, and how that would make me feel and from the next morning I could be back to my routine.

But if I have to put aside two or three days in case someone comes around only for them not to come around, and then I have to go through the same act the next week just to get one small job done I can lose the best part of two weeks just for an hours work. As well as driving my stress levels up this makes it much harder to get the jobs done on the house that need doing. If it takes two weeks of stress to get one job done I want the next few weeks to catch up on work I missed due to the change in my routine, plus the last thing I want to think about is trying to make more plans to get jobs done. This means other jobs that need doing get left because I just can’t put up with another two or three weeks of messing around just to get someone to come round and do them.

I understand that not everyone knows about autism and even if they do they don’t know I am autistic, but again I think what I am saying should be true in most cases. No one wants to wait three days to find out if someone is coming only for them not to turn up, no one wants to be told someone will be there some time between ten and seven, and no one wants someone to cancel or change plans without notice. The difference is for most people it’s a minor irritation, but for myself and other autistic people it can be a massive disruption and cause of stress/anxiety; something that takes an already stressful event and makes it ten times harder than it needs to be. I can do work around dealing with the stress of knowing someone is coming, and I can try and get myself to a point where I can do other things instead of just wait. But it can’t all be me, at some point I need people to meet me half-way, and at least let me know what day it is I will have to prepare myself for!

You can find my new book here: http://www.jkp.com/uk/communicating-better-with-people-on-the-autism-spectrum-34251.html

If you need any help or advice abut Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762

Autism, and how routine is helping my low mood.

Lately I have been finding it hard to get things done. I have had low energy and a low mood, but it’s been hard to pinpoint just what the cause of this might be. I have tried my best to get on with things, but a lot of days I just end up falling asleep in the afternoon, and not even being able to decide which film to watch. Even the things I enjoy doing like watching films and reading have suffered. I was finding myself unsure of what to do most days, even though I had a lot of stuff I could do, or wanted to do I could not decide what I should be doing, and that made everything feel much more overwhelming than it really was. This meant that whole days were going by where I did almost nothing, and the things I needed/wanted to do just built up and up.

After talking to my Mum about this she offered to help me come up with a new routine to try and put some more structure in to my day. I did used to have a routine, but due to various family issues it has become disrupted.

We started the routine on Thursday night and I found it worked. On Thursday and Friday I was much more productive, and also found time to get the things I enjoy done. Knowing what I was doing, when, and for how long helped me. Having it written down and being able to tick off each thing as I did it was also a help as it allowed me to see what I had coming up next, and become used to the routine more quickly.

I am sure that I don’t need to go in to how important routine can be for autistic people as that has been talked about so much. As a child I worked on routines all the time. I can recall how hard it was when there was even a slight change to one. But I have to admit it did surprise me how much I still need a strict routine in my life.

Even as an adult if I don’t plan out what I am going to do I get nothing done. Let me give you an example that will show just how important a routine can be, and what a difference it can make.

On the first day of my new routine I was up at six, I did a work-out, showered, sat down and worked till lunch time. After lunch I watched a film, did some more work, and then spent the evening reading. It might not sound like a lot, but I had spent weeks worrying about how to fit all those things in to one day, but not actually doing any of them – that is despite the fact I am at home all day. But just knowing when I was going to do each thing and having it planned out for me meant I got it all done with ease. Not only did I get stuff done, but I ended the day feeling less tired and feeling better about myself.

Then let’s look at the weekend. The one fault with our new plan is that it does not cover the weekend. So I know what you might be thinking – why could you not just get up and do it anyway? Well I don’t know. But I found Saturday just drifting away. The truth is I am not even sure what I did – and I don’t mean that in a relaxed sense. I did not read, did not watch anything or do anything that I can think of. The day just seemed to pass, and then be over. Sunday was a bit better, but by that time it had become clear to both me and my Mum that just having the weekend as free time was not going to cut it. We needed to make at least a basic plan.

Because that’s the thing a lot of people don’t get about autism and planning; I don’t just need to plan when and how I work, I need to plan when and how I relax too. I can have all the free time in the world, but unless I have some structure and a plan nothing, or next to nothing, will get done. When I say I did nothing on Saturday I mean it; I did not have fun, or relax, I just drifted round unsure of what to do. The less structure there is the worse I feel, and the more worn-out I get. But just by putting a good routine in place and sticking to it all that can change. This morning I stuck to my weekly routine: I got up, worked out, went to the field with the dogs and wrote this blog by 09:17 in the morning.

The past few days have been a reminder to me how key routine is, and how despite not being a child any more having a good routine and structure to my day is just as important, and useful now as it ever was.

You can find my new book here: http://www.jkp.com/uk/communicating-better-with-people-on-the-autism-spectrum-34251.html

If you need any help or advice abut Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762

Overloads, Meltdowns, and a missed Appointment ….

I have spoken a lot in the past about how overload can affect people with autism, including myself.  And how important rest days are.  But I have to admit, even though I understand in principle how to avoid feeling overloaded, or what I need to do when I am in a state of overload, it has been very hard for me over the past few weeks to put these in to practise.  Even just looking at the past week as an example, I feel like I have been in a near-constant state of overload.  I have been walking from room to room unable to do anything, simply lacking the focus and motivation to even sit down and watch a film.  I have had an outburst, brought on by this stress.  Because it is stressful.  Imagine being imprisoned in your own home.  But one of the terms of your imprisonment is that you can`t use anything in your own house.  You are surrounded by the things you like, the things you enjoy doing, and yet you can`t do any of them.  The hours must be spent instead doing, well, doing what?  Sitting?  Standing?  Walking from room to room?  Going upstairs, looking round and coming back down?  And so on, for hours or even days upon end.  You can`t go to bed and sleep through it because your mind is far too active to sleep.

So what brought this on?  The roots of this overload, and the stress and outbursts that came as a result of it, come from going out at the weekend.   Not going out clubbing, just going in to town the same as anybody else would.  Not something I would normally do, but still not something I thought would result in eight days of overload.  Now that may be a bit of a simplistic way of phrasing it.  The past year has been full of stressful events that have of course left a mark, and I did go out again on the Wednesday for something relating to work.  But I guess that`s the thing; it`s hard to tell recently where one overload stops and the next one starts.  It seems that instead of having an overload every now and then and most days being spent working on my writing, or getting on with whatever I choose to, I am overloaded most days and the days that I can actually work, or function at all, are the rare days.  But it is getting to a point where I feel my overloads are starting to incur in to my life more than they ever have before.  Let`s take yesterday as an example.  What I was supposed to do was to travel to my university via tram and talk with one of my lecturers about help and support for my upcoming second year at university.  I got half way to the tram stop before I had to turn around and come back home.  I knew that I was too overloaded to be able to function properly or contribute anything useful to this meeting.  All that would result from it was yet more sensory overload, and in all likelihood another outburst.  In a way it is positive that I was able to recognise that there was nothing to gain from forcing myself to go to something I was too overloaded for.  And I certainly wouldn’t be getting any work done today if I had of forced myself to go to the meeting yesterday.

You might have noticed that this isn’t a blog full of tips of how to get out of a situation like this.  If I had them I would be using them and there would be no blog to begin with.  I am unsure whether this is a positive or a negative blog.  On one hand I am telling you that I am finding it hard to function, to get things done and that I am near-constantly overloaded, but on the other hadn`t I was able to recognise the overload yesterday, minimise its effects for the coming week, and avert a probable outburst.  It may well be that what I have to do is change the way I think and the way I structure my time., the commitments I take on and the pressures I put on myself.  As I have said before, many times on my blog, there is no point in forcing yourself to work, or to try to get more out of yourself once you are overloaded.  Perhaps what I need to do is pull back even more than I already have, let myself rest, and build up again slowly.  And the note that I would like to end on is that this is ok.  Overload is a very real thing, and if you have not experienced one then I don`t think you can ever really understand how it feels.  Add to that the issue of delayed overloads, and you can see how difficult it is for me to even go out once or twice, and the impact that this can have on me.  I feel like I need to change the way I do things, and try to understand the impact of my overloads more than I already do.  And even though the reasons for me having to do so are negative, the impact of doing so on my future will hopefully be positive.

If you need any more help or advice about Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762

And here`s the link to our new E Book Autism & Animals – the benefits of animals for autistic people https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01GO1N1X6

Managing Sensory Overload …

I have spoken before on my blog about rest days, and about how sometimes they have to be taken even when I would much rather be productive.  But often I will only have rest days when I reach a point where they are absolutely necessary, after I have become overloaded.  Even though this might help to reverse the overload it means that I don’t have a great deal of control over when I rest, and when I am productive.  So what I have been trying this week is resting the day before I know I have something to do, such as going out, in order to ensure I have enough energy to complete the activities.  Even though I like to plan I have never been very good at planning in a way to ensure I was resting, and would have enough energy to do everything I want to do over the course of a week.  I might push myself too far on a Friday, even when I began to feel tired, and therefore not have enough energy to go out on a Saturday.

This week I had planned to go out on Thursday to visit family.  I knew that to get there I would need to use public transport, and it might be a relatively busy and noisy environment when I did arrive.  To ensure that I had the energy to go and accomplish this I had Wednesday as a rest day.  As strange as it sounds it was difficult to rest as I felt I should be doing something more productive and useful.  And yet the next day I could feel the benefits.  I felt much more able to go out and do what I needed to do than I would have done if I`d pushed myself on the Wednesday.

I needed to walk to a tram stop, travel on public transport and be in a really busy, noisy environment; interacting with people socially for an hour and a half before getting the tram, then walking back home.  And while I did feel overloaded after this I know that if I had woken up on Thursday feeling overloaded there is no way I would have been able to get up and go out, or even attempt doing this journey.

So even though it was difficult having a rest day on the Wednesday I feel that it was worth it.  When you enjoy working, then it can be hard taking the time out that you need to rest, especially if it is rest as a preventative measure.

But one thing that I am learning and understanding more and more as I grow older is my limits, and what I need to do to ensure that I stay within those.  The reality is I can’t push myself to the point of overload every day, and not suffer badly from it.  When I had to get up each day and go out to college or university, traveling on public transport and interacting with people for hours, I barely had the energy to do anything else.  Even activities such as reading and watching films felt hard for me.  And I need to remind myself at times that this isn’t because I am lazy.  It is because I am autistic, and when I become overloaded it means that I have pushed myself too far.  I am productive; I have a book coming out later this year, and I have edited and helped my Mum to publish her book earlier this month https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01GO1N1X6

But there will be days when I simply sit around and do nothing.  There might be more of these than there are for most people, and as strange as it might sound I think that is one of the hardest things about being autistic for me.  I can`t work twelve hours a day, five days a week.  My mind literally starts to shut down, and I do mean literally.  It is as if a great fog closes in over my brain once I become overloaded.  I find it hard to form coherent thoughts.  I speak much less, my memory is severely affected, and I find it hard to hold a thought in my head for too long, or remember things.   Physically my body begins to feel stiffer; it aches, and I feel as if I have just done an incredibly difficult workout.  Basically when I am overloaded I am the last person you would want doing any kind of job for you.  It seems bizarre, but taking time off enables me to be more productive, and to do better work.  But if anything, I am the one who needs the most convincing of this …..

If you need any more help or advice about Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762

And here`s the link to our new E Book Autism & Animals – the benefits of animals for autistic people https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01GO1N1X6


My Discovery of Autistic Pride Day

Apparently on Saturday it was Autistic Pride day.  I have to admit I had no idea about this, and only realised it existed due to the tweets I was reading on Saturday afternoon.  This is why I am only posting about it once, and late.

Of course never having heard of it, when I started seeing people tweet about it, I wanted to find out more.  What is the idea of the day?  Why is there such a thing as Autistic Pride?  And might it be something I am interested in the nest time it comes around?

From what I can understand the notion of Autistic Pride day, or at least the way people choose to use it, is almost to counteract the effect of Autism Awareness month.  Not to imply that in itself is a terrible thing, or that all of the content put out during that month is bad.  But what you do find is that there tends to be a lot of conflict; some people want to `Light it up Blue` for example, while others are opposed to this, and there are stunts such as people locking themselves in glass boxes that are supposed to help autistic people. Overall, despite the idea of raising awareness of autism, it can be a conflicting and difficult month for anyone in the autism community, especially autistic people.  A lot of the tweets that I saw hash tagged with Autistic Pride day stated very clearly that this was not a day to raise awareness for autism.  It was not a day to raise money, or to push some cause, and it was also not a day for charities or carers or family members.  It was a day for autistic people simply to acknowledge each other, and take some level of pride in being themselves.

A lot of the tweets I saw made this pretty clear.  And there did seem to be a sense, especially with some of the younger autistic people who were tweeting, that it was a relief just to have a day where autistic people could actually take centre stage in the autistic community.  Now as I say, I don`t know a huge amount about Autistic Pride day, and what I have written above is just what I understood from the tweets that I saw.  But for me I like the notion of having a day that isn’t about awareness, that isn’t about how autism can impact on other people, and that isn’t even about a singular aspect of being autistic.  But is rather just a chance for autistic people to feel in some way part of a community of people similar to themselves.

So why would there be Autistic Pride?  Well this is just my personal view, and it will be completely different for other people.  I am not proud of the fact that I am autistic, but I am not ashamed of it either.  It is not something I had any control over so it is not an achievement on my part.  But for me, I feel that there is certainly an idea among neuro-typical people that if you are autistic, and you achieve something you have done that despite your autism, or by overcoming your autism along the way; as if I can be proud of who I am, and what I have achieved, but not that particular aspect of myself.  But I don`t see my autism as separate from who I am.  If I achieve something, for example I publish a book, then I am proud of that.  I am not proud of myself for `over-coming my autism` and publishing a book.  For me, and again this is just a personal opinion, the  notion of autistic pride is about saying that I can be proud of myself for doing things, or be proud of who I am as a whole, without discounting a huge aspect of myself, and what makes Me, Me.  If I am proud of who I am, and autism is integral to who I am, then in a way then yes, I suppose I am proud to be autistic.  And I think the notion of Autistic Pride could go some way to dispelling the myth that autism is a negative, destructive force, or a shameful part of us.

So is this something that would interest me in the future?  I don`t know if Autistic Pride day is an official event, or if it was just a hashtag started on Twitter so I have no idea if there will be another or not.  But yes it is something that I would have an interest in.  It is important to make sure that something like this doesn’t become corrupted, and end up being used by the wrong people for the wrong means – in the vein of Autism Awareness month and campaigns such as `Light it up Blue`  https://askpergers.wordpress.com/2016/04/02/light-it-up-blue-but-for-who/  The idea should always mean being guided by what autistic people want, and not by what non- autistic people feel is best, or appropriate.

For me it was nice to be able to go on to Twitter, and see people just saying that they are proud of who they are, and including autism in that.  This of course is something that you can do all year round, and you should do, but it would be nice to continue to have at least one day that is just about autistic people, and not the wider autism community.

If you need any more help or advice about Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762

And here`s the link to our new E Book Autism & Animals – the benefits of animals for autistic people https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01GO1N1X6

Autism & Animals Book – and why writing such a positive book has been so hard for me …

Today, June 16th ASK-PERGERS? new book, Autism & Animals – the benefits of animals for autistic people, will be published as an E Book.  We are looking forward to the book being published and hoping that lots of people read it, and enjoy it.  The book takes a positive look at the relationships that often form between autistic people and animals, and the benefits this can have on things such as confidence and self-esteem, understanding and expressing emotions, and on our general sense of well-being.

The process has been quite stressful, partly because although we have two books published already, and Paddy-Joe has a book coming out very soon of his own, all of these have been published through a professional publisher, and so the Autism and Animals book is our first attempt at self-publishing, and it wasn`t as straight-forward as we`d hoped!  In fact we have really struggled to get printed copies, and have settled for the electronic version for now to prevent further delay in publishing.

However, these difficulties are not what has made the writing and publishing of this positive book so hard, and so stressful for me.  I don`t want to go in to too much detail, but the past year or so has been the absolute worse time of my life.  Both Paddy-Joe and I have been through some really horrendous experiences – the death of one family member who we loved more than it is possible to say, the near death of a close and equally loved family member, who remains on palliative care.  An investigation in to the death (I can`t say any more about that) and another family issue that has been extremely stressful to the point of making my son and myself very ill.  All of the above has meant time away from my autistic son for me, and a complete disruption to his routine.  This, along with anxiety and grief have caused him to have increasingly explosive meltdowns on most days.  I really can`t describe how scary they have been for both of us, leaving us with chest pains, dizziness, and an extremely low mood.   There has been more, so much more, too much to write here, and too personal for social media.  We are both exhausted, and completely burned out.  For over a year now I have felt unable to work on ASK-PERGERS? and have left most of the work up to Paddy-Joe.  I am trying to rectify this, but still most days my depression is such that I am unable to interact, even on social media.   My son isn`t feeling much better, but he has done his best to continue with our autism information and advice service through Facebook and Twitter.

IMG_7673 (2)

So why did we press-on with completing the Autism & Animals book (which I came so close to scrapping so many times)?  It is partly because we didn’t want to let anyone down.  Lots of individuals and families contributed their stories and experiences to the book.  We had already started writing the book before our lives were turned upside down, and we had to keep postponing completion of the book, and then postpone publishing due to our personal circumstances, and the way we were feeling.  However, my son encouraged me to continue with the book, and we worked together on it as often as possible.  With weeks on end spent at the hospital, often awake all night and all the following day, no proper food or rest it was extremely difficult.  And when I was at home with my son he was so agitated by everything that has happened and so overwhelmed that the meltdowns were (are!) coming thick and fast, and each one completely wiped us out.  However, my son kept reminding me that we had made a commitment to the people who had contributed to the book, and they were all so kind and patient, that we pushed on, and finally the book was ready to be published! We also wanted to publish while our dogs – Fred and Poppy, the inspirations behind the book – are still with us as they are quite old now, and have a few health problems.

Our lives remain extremely difficult at the moment, although not as chaotic and distressing as they have been over the past year and a half.  We are trying to get back to some sort of normality, but this is hard as many of the issues are still on-going.

I am so glad we didn`t give up, and now have a lovely book to share with you all J

The book is dedicated to my parents, and published on June 16th as it would have been their 63rd wedding anniversary, if they were both still here to celebrate.

The book is a testament to the loyalty, intuition and strength of animals.  And shows just how beneficial they can be for some autistic people.

And here`s the link for anyone who may be interested J

The book is called Autism & Animals – the benefits of animals for autistic people – and is priced at £4.99.  And I can`t believe it is finished at last!!


Jane Donlan x

If you need any more help or advice about Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762


Autism and Relaxing Days

Everyone needs time to relax – autistic people most of all – but what people do to relax can differ greatly.  The things a lot of people find relaxing can be stressful for people with autism.  For myself, and people like me a day of just doing nothing needs as much planning as any other day.  Below I explain why this might be, and how I relax as an autistic person.

It’s all about structure, and if I don’t have any then the day is going to be stressful. I don’t have to have everything planned out to the last detail, but I need at least a rough structure around what I am going to do, and when. I can’t have this structure six days a week, and then get rid of it on a day I am resting.  I still need to plan when I am getting up, what time I am eating or watching a film.  If I don’t do this then I end up spending the whole day getting more and more stressed out about not knowing what I am doing and when.  If I plan then I can relax and have fun, but if I leave it to chance I get nothing done, and feel more stressed than I did at the start of the day.

I can’t just wake up at any time and take the day as it comes. If I know I have the house to myself one day I will plan in advance what I am going to do.  I might say what time I will get up, what films I will watch, if I will do any reading that night.  And for the most part I will stick to those plans.  I know for a fact if I did not have them I would be unable to relax.  It can seem a bit odd; my Mum might ask me to do something and I will grow angry as I have plans.  But those plans might just be to sit and read!  Even lie-ins are not something I find relaxing.  I might sleep in sometimes, but for the most part I need to be up at a set time or I feel my whole routine or plan for the day is off – even if this is just by half an hour.

The fact is uncertainty, and stress are not relaxing for anyone. So I have to make plans in order to get any benefit from rest days. I know this is very different from how most people relax.  Most people I know are happy to just be around the house all day doing nothing, and while that idea is nice I just can’t do it.

I might be thinking and planning for days which film I am going to watch on a night where I have the house to myself.  Does it matter that much?  Well I am sure I would enjoy any film, but if I don’t plan it in advance I may very well be standing there for an hour trying to pick the perfect film to watch. Forward planning is key for autistic people, even when it comes to relaxing!

If you need any more help or advice about Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762

Awareness versus Acceptance ( re-post)

As I have been too ill to prepare anything for World Autism Day I am reposting this.

Awareness versus Acceptance

Many people argue about whether awareness or acceptance are what people with autism want from society.  Lots of people will say that an awareness of autism is fine, but people can be aware and still not accepting.  Virtually everybody thinks they know what autism is, but that doesn’t stop people being offensive.  And some people argue that acceptance suggests that it is up to the neuro- typical people to say `Oh, we accept people with autism` as if NTs can decide what types of people are acceptable, as if autistic people have put forward a fairly good case and they`ve been accepted in to the day to day order of things.  My view is somewhere in between:


  • Awareness means everybody being aware of what autism is, and having at least a basic knowledge of it.
  • Awareness is a positive thing because it will hopefully lead to greater understanding, easier access to services, and make life easier for autistic people.
  • The vast majority of people are already aware of the existence of autism, even if they don’t fully understand it.
  • Awareness can help improve the lives of people with autism.
  • Awareness can’t solve all of the problems.


  • Acceptance means people who aren’t autistic accepting autistic people and their ways.
  • Acceptance can be very positive as it might make things easier in the work-place or learning environment.
  • The word acceptance does have a tendency to give a lot of power to the people without autism, as it suggests that it is up to them to decide if they want to accept autistic people or not.
  • A lot of people don’t like the phrase `acceptance` for that very reason.
  • Does this mean that acceptance is a bad thing?  No, it doesn’t. But it does mean that it is something that you have to be careful about when approaching.

Taking the positives and negatives from the concepts of awareness and acceptance, I think that there is a good ground to be reached somewhere in the middle.  Most people are aware of autism to some degree – even if it is just through Rainman. Some people are accepting of it without really knowing what it is.  For me the real key is understanding; you can be aware of autism, but not really know what it is.  Often this will lead to pity, people being patronising, or a belief that people with autism are either dangerous, or completely pointless trying to communicate with.  A lot of negative stereo-types pervade the public’s perception of autism; they are accepting yes, but quite often they are not accepting of real autistic people.  They might be aware, but in reality they are not aware of real autism, they are aware of the Medias` portrayal of autism.  That is why understanding is so important: you are aware of autism – good.  You are accepting of autism – good.  But do you understand autism?

For more information and advice on Autism/Asperger`s see our free on-line service


Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS

Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS

To read some of my autism articles check out my author page http://www.autismdailynewscast.com/author/paddy-joe/

I have co-authored two autism books. Check them out J



Paddy-Joe Moran


The last few months have been very difficult, but now everything is finally sorted out for university.  After months of phone calls, meetings, assessments and providing evidence I finally have a grant, along with all the support that I will need in my course.  Although I haven’t started the proper course yet, and have only been doing introductory parts of it, it is still evident that the things we fought for will come in very useful throughout the three years that I will be at the university.  I don’t have a huge amount to say in this blog, the main point that I wanted to make is that there is no real way to make this simple – it can be very difficult getting the help and support needed for university.  But I also firmly believe that it is well worth it.  Some universities are very good and services will go through without any hitches, so don’t automatically think that you will have a very hard time getting what you need before you can attend university.  I have already talked in my blogs about how difficult it has been, so there is no need to go in to too much detail here.  The main thing to remember though, if the process is difficult, is that it is worth sticking to it.  For us it seemed that at every turn something new was coming up, that threw-up a whole wave of other problems.  But at no point did I ever feel that I wouldn’t get to university, or that it would be worth quitting, and not going.  In fact I felt the opposite; that because it was so difficult to get there it would be worth perusing even more.  Nothing should be off limits to people who have disabilities, and unfortunately I do know of people who have quit half way through the process, and dropped out of university because of how difficult it was to obtain the support they needed.  I would never have a go at them, or say they had done the wrong thing because everybody obviously have the right to choose what they do in their own life. But it is a pity that they felt they were denied the opportunity to a further education because their disabilities were not catered for.

Obviously I have no idea how I will find the next three years at university – it might be good or it might be bad, to put it simply. But the simple fact that I was able to go, and to get all the help and support that I need, which for a long time it looked as if I would not, feels like an achievement in itself.  I know this blog is very short, but now I am adjusting to university I hope to get back in to the routine of putting one up every week or two.  If there are any particular issue you would like me to talk about please let me know below in the comments or on Twitter or Facebook.

If you need any more help or advice about Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS? On Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762

Results day.

Students always get incredibly stressed whenever it comes to results day because whatever level of education they are in, they are told that the results they get will have a massive impact on their future life, and career.  It would be silly to suggest that results don’t have some impact on your life, but the world is full of people who tried to do one thing, couldn’t and went away and did something else very well.

Obviously you want to get the best results possible, but the important thing is not to become overly stressed with this.  Especially for people with autism; a lot of benefits that can be gained from college, and university aren’t purely academic.  Often people can become much more social, and independent when they go in to higher education, and being able to go out by themselves and communicate with others can open up more doors than simply getting an academic qualification.  It also improves self-confidence.  People can often make good friends, and have a lot of good memories from their time in education.  Obviously this isn’t the only important element, but if somebody has struggled in making friends their whole life, and they come out of college with a close group of good friends, then they are doing a very good job – and that in itself is a massive achievement for them.

For example, I got good grades in college, but just as important as my grades was the fact that I was travelling independently nearly every day, and I was able to become more sociable, and make friends.  Of course I was pleased with my grades, but I simply saw them as a way of getting in to university.  I wasn’t particularly bothered about the academic element of the course.  If I hadn’t got the grades I needed for university though, I would have been able to re-take elements of the course to try to bump my grades up, or I could have left and taken some kind of vocational course.  I could have simply dropped out of education altogether, and gone in for a different kind of work.

 It is also worth pointing out that whatever stress teachers try to put on your shoulders, at eighteen you are still a teenager, and whether you get in to university or not, will not define you, or who you can be.  It all depends on your skill-set.  If you struggle to cope in college maybe going straight in to university is not the best thing you could do – why get yourself in to all that debt, and put yourself through all that stress when there are other options out there – other training programmes, courses, and jobs that may be much better suited to you?   I took a year off after college to focus on my writing, and if I hadn’t done that I probably wouldn’t have set up this blog, made the contacts I have, or be writing for on-line magazines and newspapers now.

The idea of staying in education until you are in your early twenties is only a recent thing for the majority of people.  This doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be taken up by anyone who wants to take it up, but no one should ever feel that it is the only option for them.  It is an option, and a good option, but the level of stress some people put themselves through when choosing this option is ridiculous – you’re still a teenager, so relax.  Even if you have to repeat a couple of years of college, and you are in your twenties when you go to university, it’s no big deal.  You are still young.  You can go to university at any time you want to in your life.  The idea of learning as much as you can by a certain age, and then going out and getting a job based on the knowledge you`ve accumulated over the past twenty one years, is redundant in today’s economy.  Anyway, education is a life-long thing.  The fact that you are not smart enough to do something aged eighteen doesn’t condemn you to a life-time of not being able to do things.  It just means that things might come a little more slowly, but you have to see the bigger picture – in forty or fifty years’ time, what will you care if you achieved something aged eighteen, or aged twenty?

There are all different kinds of education, and all different types of knowledge, and each of these can be put to use in one job or another.  Many of these forms of knowledge are not taught in colleges or universities, but that doesn’t make them, or their effect on your life, any less real.


If you need any more help or advice about Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS? On Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762