In my last blog I talked a bit about how doing events/talks, and going to do any kind of work can have a negative impact on my mind. I explained how the build-up of anxiety, added to the lack of time to rest after an event, can leave me unable to think clearly, and how it can take me weeks to even be able to pick what film to watch and to rest, let alone be able to work or go out again. But the impact of a stress and anxiety build-up and overload is not just mental, and there is also a physical side to it. I want to use this blog to speak about that, and explain what happens and how bad the physical effects of stress, and anxiety can be.
As I said in my last blog I did three events in November, all of which included talking to an audience, one-on-one chats, and busy rooms. There were build-ups of stress beforehand, and not much time to recover afterwards. But before I talk too much about these events and their impact I would like to go back, and talk about my book launch. On the night of the launch itself I was fine. I felt good and fully expected to feel fine the next day as well. And when I woke up I did feel fine, but as the day went on I started to feel worse and worse. By around eight at night my stomach felt as if it was being pulled and twisted from the inside. It felt as if it were piled with stones, and I could not even stay in one place for more than a few seconds before I needed to move to try and stop the pain building up too much. I knew full-well that I was going to be sick, and sure enough I was. In fact I was up till after three in the morning throwing up. The next day I was fine, I ate plenty and did not feel ill in the least. At the time I knew, or at least thought, that it must be some kind of physical release of all the stress that had built up before and during the event. As I said in my last blog I was not aware of feeling stressed before events, but I guess it must have been there inside – impacting on me whether I felt it or not.
I did not feel anything of the sort after the first event of last month, or the second, but the morning after the third event there it was again. That feeling of carrying around a pile of bricks in my gut. Pain and discomfort, but more than that. There was a sense of hopelessness. I knew then that the feeling was without any doubt due to the stress of the work I had been doing. It was a direct result of me going out and selling my books and doing talks. It’s hard to explain my feelings, perhaps pain most of all, to people in a way that they can understand, so you might think I am making a big deal out of a bit of stomach ache. But I have been sick and had a bad stomach plenty of times in the past, and I can tell you that this stress induced stomach pain was much, much worse than any I have ever had before.
There was a point, when I was bent over in pain the morning after the third event, where I began to wonder if I would be able to keep on doing that kind of work. Would I be able to commit to planning for an event knowing how I would be left feeling the day after? And more than that, was it worth it? I was in a huge amount of pain and I felt miserable. I should point out that despite what you might think I don’t often complain of pain. For me to react to pain at all it has to get to a point that most others would find hard to cope with. More than once in my life I have gone to see a doctor with an infection in my foot, or ear after weeks of saying only that “It’s a bit sore” to be told that it’s one of the worst they have seen, and they are shocked that I could even stand the pain of putting my shoe on, and walking in to the building. The point being that when pain is bad enough to make me feel miserable you know it must be bad. So I have to admit I spent that morning feeling sorry for myself. But as time passed the pain began to grow less and less. By that afternoon I was able to relax and watch a film.
I realised after this that I would have to plan events better, and try to do something to stop the onset of pain like this again. I am sure that it is due to a build-up of stress. The stress builds up before the events without me feeling it, and once they are over and done with I feel the full force of the stress in a physical as well as mental form.
I know now that I need to make plans before events to try and stop this from happening, but I don’t know what will work, and the only way to find out will be to test things out. And that means that I might have to try a few things that do not work, and find myself in pain once again.
Because pain, or at least physical discomfort, is nothing new to me – I would say I feel uncomfortable much more often than I feel comfortable, at least when I am outside anyway – If I know I am going out, even if it’s to do something I enjoy, I will have pain in my gut, feel hot and sweaty, and have a tight chest sometimes for hours. And it’s not something that I ever get used to. When I used to go to Judo I would feel like that for an hour or so before going out, then after a few months of going, when most people would be getting used to it, I would start feeling that way in the afternoons, then in the mornings, and in the end I felt that way from the morning of the day before I was due to go out! In my head I wanted to go, I knew I would enjoy it, and as soon as I got there and got going I did enjoy it. But still I could spend up to twenty four hours in physical discomfort just because I was due to go out. And for this reason I no longer go to judo.
So I don’t know what will work to rid myself of the pain and discomfort that stress, anxiety and sensory overload, can cause, but I want to do all I can to deal with this issue so that I can get out there and do my talks, and sell my book without feeling again like it might not be worth it.
Do any of you suffer from the physical symptoms of stress and anxiety? Or the physical or emotional impact of sensory overload? If so do you have any tips or hints as to how to deal with them?
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