Tag Archives: talk

Why I have always hated getting my hair cut.

I have always hated having my hair cut. I have no memories of ever going to have it cut without having to be talked in to it, and spending the whole time wishing it was over. This is far from uncommon with autistic people, and there are a few good reasons for that. I thought I would talk a little bit about what makes getting my hair cut so hard for me – as always bear in mind these will not apply to ever autistic person, and there might be things you find hard that I have not thought of.

The sensory impact: I have talked a lot on this blog about sensory overload and the impact it can have on me and other autistic people, and I realise more and more as I get older quite how much of an impact it has on me day to day. When you go for a hair cut you have someone touching your head and hair. They might be doing this for ten minutes or forty minutes, but in my case at least it’s much more contact than I would ever normally have with a stranger. I do not like to be touched by strangers, nor do a lot of other autistic people, so having my head pushed and pulled, my hair touched, pulled and so on is much more touch than I am used to.

This is why I never have my hair washed before I have it cut – I do that at home before I go out. There is more than enough touching and moving of my head going on without washing it too!

Having to sit there and let someone mess about with your head and hair can be very stressful, and easily lead to sensory overload. On its own the touching is more than enough to bring on an overload, but that is not the only sensory input that comes with a hair cut. There is background noise and often lots of it: talking, hair-dryers, phones going off, and people coming in and out the whole time. More often than not when you are sat having your hair cut this will be coming at you from three sides at once. So when you think about being sat in a busy, noisy environment with someone touching you, and pulling your head this way and that it’s no wonder that, for me at least, hair cuts lead to overload.

Talking: I have been quite lucky the last few times I have gone to get my hair cut as no-one has tried to talk directly to me too much. But it is not uncommon for a hairdresser or barber to start making small talk. “Where have you been on holiday?” is a classic. I understand why they try this small talk; a lot of people do enjoy it, and it can be seen as friendly and therefore encourage people to come back. Add to that the fact that the person cutting your hair works with the same people every day, and might have been working in the same room doing the same task for hours before you come along – it’s not that I do not understand why they might want a chat it’s just that I hate small talk as the best of times. As I have already said having my hair cut can be an overwhelming experience anyway, so the last thing I want to do in the middle of it is start talking. But as I am sure you all know it’s so hard to get out of small talk without being seen as rude. I have never quite understood this; if I were to say that I did not want to talk that would be seen as rude, but chatting on at someone who is basically a captive audience for twenty minutes about inane nonsense when it is clear they do not want to talk is not viewed as rude? Perhaps it’s just me, but that seems a bit strange. Sadly even if no-one is talking to you there still tends to be a lot of talking going on between other people. A lot of people do see going to get their hair cut as a chance for a good chat so even on days when I do not have to try and make small talk I tend to find that there are others all around me making small talk that I can not help but hear, and which only adds to the sensory overload.

Change: We all know change can be hard for autistic people, and the whole point of a hair cut is to change something about yourself. Even if it’s only getting it trimmed back down to its normal length there is still going to be a change in how you look. It might not be a change that we think about very often, but for most of us it’s one of the few things that we do where we actively change something about ourselves. The worry about this change might not even be something we are aware of feeling. For me I do not worry about what I will look like after my hair cut, but I do have a hard time asking for what I want. I know I want to change something about my hair, but I never know quite how to say it “Like it is now but shorter” is about as good as it gets for me, but they always seem to need to know more. As it’s not something I care about or spend any time thinking about I never know what to say when asked for more detail (I forget between hair cuts what I asked for, or what was done). This can mean that although I am not worried about the idea of a change on the outside, when I am confronted very clearly about what I want to change and how, I often find I have no clue and basically just want to keep my hair as close as I can to the way it was when I went in.

Not being able to fade in to the background: This one is a bit more vague than the rest, and at least two of the other points can be tied in with it. When someone is cutting your hair, working on your head, you can not just fade in to the background, and not be noticed. People will keep touching you, they will keep talking to you, you will be asked what you want, and shown how it looks at the end, and asked to say something about it. However quiet you stay you will still have to deal with all those things. Often when I become overloaded I will just stay quiet and kind of fade out, trying to stay in the background and not worry too much about what is going on. But when the focus of an event, or room is on me I can not do that. Even for something as small as a hair cut that power is taken away leaving me to deal with the full impact of what is going on without the option to bow out of it. When I feel I am at the point where I just want to close my eyes, not talk, and not have anyone talk to me there is still someone standing right behind me pulling at my hair, talking to me, and asking me to pass judgement on the haircut.

So overall as you can tell hair cuts are not fun for me, and as I said at the start I know that this is true for quite a lot of autistic people. I keep my hair longer now, and while that means my hair cuts can take longer they are also a lot less frequent. But even when my hair was short, and a cut did not take long at all I still hated them. I know that I need them, and I am willing to have them (although I do put them off for as long as I can) but that does not mean I have to like them.

How do you feel about hair cuts? Is there anything you dislike about them that I have not put in this blog?

You can find my new book here: http://www.jkp.com/uk/communicating-better-with-people-on-the-autism-spectrum-34251.html

If you need any help or advice abut Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

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And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762


How Sensory Overload Impacts on Autistic People Part two – The Impact on my Body.

In my last blog I talked a bit about how doing events/talks, and going to do any kind of work can have a negative impact on my mind. I explained how the build-up of anxiety, added to the lack of time to rest after an event, can leave me unable to think clearly, and how it can take me weeks to even be able to pick what film to watch and to rest, let alone be able to work or go out again. But the impact of a stress and anxiety build-up and overload is not just mental, and there is also a physical side to it. I want to use this blog to speak about that, and explain what happens and how bad the physical effects of stress, and anxiety can be.

As I said in my last blog I did three events in November, all of which included talking to an audience, one-on-one chats, and busy rooms. There were build-ups of stress beforehand, and not much time to recover afterwards. But before I talk too much about these events and their impact I would like to go back, and talk about my book launch. On the night of the launch itself I was fine. I felt good and fully expected to feel fine the next day as well. And when I woke up I did feel fine, but as the day went on I started to feel worse and worse. By around eight at night my stomach felt as if it was being pulled and twisted from the inside. It felt as if it were piled with stones, and I could not even stay in one place for more than a few seconds before I needed to move to try and stop the pain building up too much. I knew full-well that I was going to be sick, and sure enough I was. In fact I was up till after three in the morning throwing up. The next day I was fine, I ate plenty and did not feel ill in the least. At the time I knew, or at least thought, that it must be some kind of physical release of all the stress that had built up before and during the event. As I said in my last blog I was not aware of feeling stressed before events, but I guess it must have been there inside – impacting on me whether I felt it or not.

I did not feel anything of the sort after the first event of last month, or the second, but the morning after the third event there it was again. That feeling of carrying around a pile of bricks in my gut. Pain and discomfort, but more than that. There was a sense of hopelessness. I knew then that the feeling was without any doubt due to the stress of the work I had been doing. It was a direct result of me going out and selling my books and doing talks. It’s hard to explain my feelings, perhaps pain most of all, to people in a way that they can understand, so you might think I am making a big deal out of a bit of stomach ache. But I have been sick and had a bad stomach plenty of times in the past, and I can tell you that this stress induced stomach pain was much, much worse than any I have ever had before.

There was a point, when I was bent over in pain the morning after the third event, where I began to wonder if I would be able to keep on doing that kind of work. Would I be able to commit to planning for an event knowing how I would be left feeling the day after? And more than that, was it worth it? I was in a huge amount of pain and I felt miserable. I should point out that despite what you might think I don’t often complain of pain. For me to react to pain at all it has to get to a point that most others would find hard to cope with. More than once in my life I have gone to see a doctor with an infection in my foot, or ear after weeks of saying only that “It’s a bit sore” to be told that it’s one of the worst they have seen, and they are shocked that I could even stand the pain of putting my shoe on, and walking in to the building. The point being that when pain is bad enough to make me feel miserable you know it must be bad.   So I have to admit I spent that morning feeling sorry for myself. But as time passed the pain began to grow less and less. By that afternoon I was able to relax and watch a film.

I realised after this that I would have to plan events better, and try to do something to stop the onset of pain like this again. I am sure that it is due to a build-up of stress. The stress builds up before the events without me feeling it, and once they are over and done with I feel the full force of the stress in a physical as well as mental form.

I know now that I need to make plans before events to try and stop this from happening, but I don’t know what will work, and the only way to find out will be to test things out. And that means that I might have to try a few things that do not work, and find myself in pain once again.

Because pain, or at least physical discomfort, is nothing new to me – I would say I feel uncomfortable much more often than I feel comfortable, at least when I am outside anyway – If I know I am going out, even if it’s to do something I enjoy, I will have pain in my gut, feel hot and sweaty, and have a tight chest sometimes for hours. And it’s not something that I ever get used to. When I used to go to Judo I would feel like that for an hour or so before going out, then after a few months of going, when most people would be getting used to it, I would start feeling that way in the afternoons, then in the mornings, and in the end I felt that way from the morning of the day before I was due to go out! In my head I wanted to go, I knew I would enjoy it, and as soon as I got there and got going I did enjoy it. But still I could spend up to twenty four hours in physical discomfort just because I was due to go out.  And for this reason I no longer go to judo.

So I don’t know what will work to rid myself of the pain and discomfort that stress, anxiety and sensory overload, can cause, but I want to do all I can to deal with this issue so that I can get out there and do my talks, and sell my book without feeling again like it might not be worth it.

Do any of you suffer from the physical symptoms of stress and anxiety?  Or the physical or emotional impact of sensory overload? If so do you have any tips or hints as to how to deal with them?

You can find my new book: http://www.jkp.com/uk/communicating-better-with-people-on-the-autism-spectrum-34251.html

If you need any more help or advice about Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

Twitter https://twitter.com/ASKPERGERS

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ASKPERGERS?ref=hl

And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762


The A Word – Episode 5

Once again I am late with my A word blog, but I caught up on episode five today. Below are some of my thoughts on the penultimate episode of the show.

Joe out walking, again!: Yes this is something I say every week, but the more times I see it the more times I feel it is worthy of comment!  A five year old boy should not be walking down a road on his own.  But more importantly than that I feel it’s just bad writing.  Joe`s Mum and Dad are set up to be worried about him. They fear for his safety. They don’t let him take risks. At least for fifty eight minutes of each episode they don’t.  The opening shots just undermine all the writing that was done building them up as characters. They just wake up, and don’t worry about where their five year old son is, and just wait for someone to bring him back. Now no five year old should be allowed to do this, but it is true some vulnerable autistic people do get out of the house and walk off.  And it’s a big issue. People die from doing this; in some cases young autistic people walk off, and are never heard from again. Nothing else Joe does is that bad; it’s as if his parents want to change the things that impact how people might view him, but not the things that might impact on his life. That might be OK, and the show might be set up to be a tragedy where they spend so long trying to change the things that make Joe who he is, and ignoring the huge life-threatening issue that he ends up being hit by a car. But again that’s just bad writing; someone would say something about a five year old walking down the road by themselves – if not anyone else at least the police officer who picked him up.

Maya getting deported: Maya getting deported does two things in the show:  One, it opens up a whole new argument about how to deal with that situation, and what the best thing for Joe is.  And two, it looks like it sets up Joe going missing in the final episode, with no one to find him when he walks off.  It’s clear that Joe likes Maya, and she seems to communicate with him in a way that he understands, through music. She does not try and make him do the things he can’t do, but instead she works with him on the things he can do.  Also introducing your kids, autistic or not, to Motorhead at a young age is just good parenting.

Alison needs to be in control of everything, and can’t be told no: Just look at how episode 5 starts. Her son is brought back to her in a police car.  Her reaction? To have a go at the police officer who brought her son back. She then pushes Joe on to her sister-in-law despite the sister- in-law needing to get to work.  And then later on she tries to bribe a police offer to let Maya stay, and seems genuinely offended when he tells her no. For me this is not good parenting. Good parenting is finding out what your autistic child wants, and doing what you can to help them get it. But not to the point of breaking the law, or manipulating and bullying other members of your family.  Most of what she does seems to be more about her wanting to get her own way.  Just think about the photos. It’s not that Joe at any point seems like he wants to look at them, but cant.  It’s just that she thinks he should be doing it. She is, as has been hinted at in the show, a bully. She seems to be using Joe as a smoke screen to control those around her, and get her own way.  In truth I am not even sure that she realises that’s what she is doing. When the police officer brings her son back – a son who was walking down a road on his own, and was then found by the officer in a car with two men who were not related to him – he also brings her bad news. So instead of thanking him for doing her job, and keeping her son safe, she puts him down and bullies him, making out he is somehow in the wrong.  Then again when she fails to bribe the other officer, she does the same. She is too embarrassed to admit Joe is autistic, and yet she tries to make out as if the police offer is the one in the wrong for not taking a bribe.  Over all it`s not that I think she is badly written, I just think she is written not to be the hero of the story, but to be in a way the villain of the piece.  She is not nice to the rest of her family.  She does not take Joes needs in to account, but instead looks at her own needs, and how to change him to suit them.  She bullies, lies, and manipulates those around her, and hides behind her son`s autism to get away with it.  Good character, bad person.

Overload: It`s clear Joe is overloaded by everything that’s going on.  I think this was dealt with OK in parts, but he seemed to get over his overload quite fast.  Holding his hands over his ears in the school was well acted, and not a wholly untrue representation of what an overload is like.  I have to say that as things like emotional and sensory overload affect everyone in different ways there was nothing hugely wrong about the parts where Joe was overloaded, but I don’t think anyone comes down from an overload that fast.  What do you think?  Did it ring true for you, or not?

They need to talk about change in the right way: So Maya is leaving, and Joe`s Mum wants him to say he understands, and talk about his feelings while looking her in the eyes, and his Dad wants to pretend it’s not happening. Neither of those are good ideas.  It needs to be talked about a lot. Perhaps things need to be written down for Joe; things such as how life around the home will change when Maya leaves. There is no need for him to look in his Mum`s eyes as she does this. It’s OK if he does not talk a lot, or even at all as it`s clear that he is able to understand most of what is said to him. Now if this had happened in the first episode I could understand neither of the parents having a clue how to deal with it, but look at all the reading the Mum has been doing about autism. I am sure some of that would have talked about how big changes can impact on someone with autism, and how they need to be dealt with.  And also about how it’s not OK to force your kids to make eye contact with you!

A normal baby: One part of the show that some people might take issue with is when the Dad says that he wants to have a normal child. Now this is clearly not a nice thing to say, but I can understand why it might be in the show. I am sure there have been a few parents over the years who have said something like that, and later regretted it. Like I say, I have no sympathy for people who feel that way, but I can understand why it is something that would be written in to a show.

Joe missing? So it looks like in the final episode Joe will go off walking by himself, and get lost. What a shock.  Let’s see what happens, but to tell the truth so far it feels like a very lazy, badly written set up.  Which is a shame because I had high hopes for the show at the start.

So over all what do I think?  Well the truth is I don’t know.  I don’t mind the fact that the show is about people who in my view are poor parents, who don’t get autism, as long as it leads to something. People make mistakes, and I understand this, but I feel it is more than that.  I would like the series to end by showing how misguided, and wrong the parent’s view of Joe’s autism is.  Some of the writing has been poor, but overall I don’t think the show is bad. It would be fairer to say it’s getting more and more frustrating each week. What do you think?

What do you think? Let me know in the comments.

If you need any more help or advice about Asperger`s/Autism or simply want to talk about it check out our free help and advice service ASK-PERGERS?

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And have a look at our books (at the time published under pseudonyms, but we did write them trust us on that!)  http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/author/1762